Too Deep for Small Talk

7 Steps to Build Real Connection as an Autistic, ADHD, or Gifted Adult—Without Shrinking Yourself

The Ache for Depth

For many neurocomplex adults—especially those who are autistic, ADHD, gifted, or some blend thereof—shallow interactions can feel not just uninteresting but disorienting. While neurotypical culture tends to elevate small talk as a social lubricant, neurocomplex minds often crave discourse that is layered, conceptual, and emotionally honest. We want the marrow, not the skin.

This desire isn’t a flaw. It’s a neurological style of connecting with the world.

In my clinical practice, I often hear clients say things like:

“I feel like I’m pretending in 90% of my conversations.”
“I just want to talk about something real—not the weather or sports or whatever.”
“People tell me I’m intense. I just think I’m curious.”

This need for deep conversation is not pathological. It’s adaptive, connective, and identity-affirming. But honoring that need also requires learning how to include ourselves without overriding others.

Below is a field guide for navigating this space with intentionality, empathy, and skill.